A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous. - Coco Chanel
So today I went to the doctor’s (for acne treatment [my face is gross] & for other things) and the doctor was trying to see how flexible I was (lol I’m not) and when he said “Well, you’re not very flexible.” and I said “It’s ‘cause I’m still a virgin. Ain’t no willy been in this bat cave.” The doctor just left the room & I could hear him laughing his ass off. My mom had the look of “I’m 3000000% done.”
This morning my daughter, who is nearly four, saw the stretch marks on my hips and stomach. She ran her hands over them and asked what they were.
“I got them when I grew up,” I said, “and a few more when I had you.” I grinned down at her. “They’re my stripes. You’ll get stripes too when you grow up.”
She was overjoyed. “Really?”
I think she’s in her room now, pretending to be a tiger.
This is what we need to teach.
“recite the alphabet backwards” is one of the dumbest drunk-tests ive ever heard because im 100% sober right now and i couldnt do it after 3 minutes of stuttering and fucking up
i think that’s the whole point. if you’re sober you’d be like fuck no i can’t do that and you know it. and if you are drunk you attempt it with gusto.